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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24175387">One Month</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zakuya_Kanbara/pseuds/Zakuya_Kanbara'>Zakuya_Kanbara</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Earth 25 Stories [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Justice League - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Titans (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Heartbreak, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Roy Harper is a Good Bro, Suicide Attempt, dealing with depression, feels trip</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:40:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,925</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24175387</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zakuya_Kanbara/pseuds/Zakuya_Kanbara</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dealing with the loss of someone can be hard.</p>
<p>Dealing with the loss of the love of your life can be the most heartbreaking thing anyone can go through.</p>
<p>What happens when the voices become too much, and all you want is for them to stop?</p>
<p>Will Dick be strong enough to make it out the other side still in one piece?<br/>-<br/>AKA: Dick dealing with his mental health after the events of The Disappearance.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dick Grayson/Wally West</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Earth 25 Stories [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694203</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>One Month</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Here we have the aftermath of what happened during The Disappearance. If you want you can read that story first in order to get a better understanding of everything that has happened, as the events of that story are mentioned in this one. If you don't want to that is cool and this can be read as a stand alone fic. </p>
<p>A good song recommendation for this fic is "Breathe Me" by Sia.</p>
<p>TRIGGER WARNING: There is mentions of depression and suicide attempt in this story, read at your own discretion.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dick just sat in the Batcave, still trying to process everything that had just happened. Just sat there for a good amount of time before he finally found the will to be able to trudge up the stairs. Every step that he took was like he was pulling weights up with him, one on each leg. It was exhausting and memories just kept on plaguing him, hurting him.</p>
<p>Step.</p>
<p>
  <em>“This is the only way.”</em>
</p>
<p>Step.</p>
<p>
  <em>“… promise me something.”</em>
</p>
<p>Step.</p>
<p>
  <em>“… keep living your life.”</em>
</p>
<p>Step.</p>
<p>
  <em>“… not telling you I loved you sooner.”</em>
</p>
<p>Step.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I love you.”</em>
</p>
<p>It was becoming overwhelming. All those memories, from just moments ago in Central City, were still fresh in his head and were going to kill him, eat him alive.</p>
<p>Bruce was with the League on an off-world mission, which meant that Barry was also on that same mission. '<em>He doesn’t know.'</em> Dick thought to himself. '<em>Who’s going to tell him?'</em></p>
<p>Selina was taking care of business at Wayne Enterprises; this is something that she would always does when Bruce is away. Make sure that the entire company stayed afloat and not get overrun by the corrupt.</p>
<p>He made his way to the living room that his brothers would use most often when they were staying in for the night. Tonight, was the girls turn for patrol, so the three brothers decided to spend some time together watching some anime.</p>
<p>More like there are no witnesses, so it’s safe to do this tonight.</p>
<p>Dick didn’t call ahead or anything like that saying that he was going to be coming to the manor tonight. Usually he calls ahead so that they know to expect him, but he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to think correctly and be able to do that simple task.</p>
<p>Jason was the first one to notice that someone was approaching the room, so he paused what they were watching and turned, before the figure made themselves seen, he already knew who it was. “Dickie? Why are you here and not in Central?”</p>
<p>The no response was question for concern. “Dick?” Jason started to get off the couch, signaling to his younger brothers to stay on the couch for a second, at least until he got a better feel for the situation and what was wrong.</p>
<p>“Dick, you know I don’t like being ignored. Come on, answer me.”</p>
<p>Dick finally appeared at the doorway of the living room and was heavily leaning on the frame. It looked like he was about to collapse. His face looked pale from the usual sun kissed tan it was, but what was really worrying were the dried tear streak on his face.</p>
<p>“Dick? What’s wrong? What happened? You’re scaring me.”</p>
<p>It was barley a whisper that Dick was able to get out, but to someone like these guys who were trained by the Bat himself, they heard it as clear as day. “He’s… gone…”</p>
<p>That was all Dick managed to be able to say before his mind and body decided that they both had enough for the day and collapsed to the ground.</p>
<p>“DICK!” He heard all three of his brothers yell as they ran toward him as his vision went blurry.</p>
<p>Jason was the first one to reach Dick in his collapsed state, but he was in too much shock to know what to do for a bit. When he got his senses back, he took charge. “Tim, go call mom and Damian, go get Alfred. NOW!” His brothers didn’t even question him, they both just got up and ran to go do their designated tasks.</p>
<p>“Oh, Dickie. What happened?” Jason asked himself as he ran a hand through Dick’s hair, worry clear in his face.</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Selina came home as fast as she could when she got the call from Tim about Dick. She wanted to use her communicator that she had in case of emergencies and call Bruce but thought better about it and decided to wait until she knew more about what was going on.</p>
<p>When she got home, she asked her other kittens where Dick was, and they told her that they took him to his old bedroom to rest for a bit. When she learned that information, she made her way up there.</p>
<p>“Okay, I’m not just going to sit around here with no answers. Something happened, and it has to be something bad with how Dickie was acting.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but Jay, how are we going to find out?” Tim asked.</p>
<p>“We call Wally and get answers from him. He’s always with Dick so he shou-” Jason cut himself off, because now he was putting the pieces together in his head. <em>‘Why wouldn’t Wally be with Dick if something did happen? He is the first person that is always comforting him. Unless…'</em> And he hated the conclusion that his mind came to. “Oh god. Oh, please god do not let it be that THAT happened.” He started to furiously swipe through his phone looking for a specific contact.</p>
<p>“What Jay? Jay? Jay, I don’t like that face that you have, what did you just think of?” Tim tried to get some answer out of his brother, but it was useless.</p>
<p>“Answer the phone, answer the phone damn it!” Jason whispered to himself under his breath.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hello?”</em>
</p>
<p>“Roy! Did something happen to Wally?”</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Selina was in Dick’s room, sitting next to him on his bed, petting his hair in the way that she used to do when he was younger. It was how she could calm him down from a nightmare back when he still had them when he first came to live with them.</p>
<p>Jason had told her everything that Roy told him through the phone. She couldn’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain that could come with losing the love of your life at such a young age like Dick had.</p>
<p>As she was thinking about it, Dick began to stir from his sleep.</p>
<p>He grown and opened his eyes and looked up at Selina, asking the silent question of, what happened?</p>
<p>“Shh, it’s okay kitten. You are going to be okay. You passed out when you got here and gave your brothers quite a spook, but they are okay and so will you.”</p>
<p>Dick suddenly remembered everything that had happened earlier that day and with his Mom there, he couldn’t hold back any of his emotions anymore.</p>
<p>Selina brought him into a hug as he cried into her shoulder.</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>It’s been a month since I’ve begun staying at the manor full time.</p>
<p>I don’t know how much longer I can stand being here though, everywhere that I look I see his ghost. Images of when we were younger and would hang out here a majority of the time.</p>
<p>I see him in the front door walking in.</p>
<p>I see him on the couch in the living room, looking through Netflix trying to find a new show for us to watch together.</p>
<p>I see him in the kitchen, sitting on one of the stools, waiting for whatever Alfred is cooking to be ready.</p>
<p>I see him in the hallways just wandering around with me next to him as we explore every nook and cranny of the manor.</p>
<p>I see him in my bedroom.</p>
<p>That’s also one of the reasons that I refuse to go back to our apartment in Central. How am I supposed to go back there when everything there will remind me of everything that I lost?</p>
<p>But it’s not like I am doing much better here.</p>
<p>I just see him, everywhere. It’s like I’m being haunted with memories of him just to make me suffer. Sure, some people would see this as my mind maybe trying to get me to remember the good times, to try and make me feel better, but when you have… when you had a bond with a person like we had and then you lose that.</p>
<p>It can mess you up big time.</p>
<p>Dad got back a week after everything happened, he found out everything that happened because Mom ended up telling him, I was in no shape to be able to tell him. Ever since he’s been kinda awkward around me, not really knowing what to say to not make the situation worst for me.</p>
<p>I am not sure how Barry ended up taking the news. Iris was the one that ended up telling him, she was the best choice to do the job.</p>
<p>I haven’t seen the West-Allen’s since this all happened. It sucks, because they were like another family to me. They watch me grow up with how much time I spent at their house. I’m too scared to go see them though, I have this thought, in the back of my head, that they are going to blame me for what happened to Wally.</p>
<p>They haven’t come to see me either so it wouldn’t surprise me if this is true.</p>
<p>That they will say that it was MY fault, that I should have been the one to die that day, not him. I wouldn’t blame them if they did think that, or even say it to my face. To me that would just be confirming everything that I already think of myself.</p>
<p>It’s better if they don’t bother with me, it’ll be easier that way.</p>
<p>My brothers, like Dad, have been weary of me, not knowing what to say and afraid that they will say the wrong thing. They still hang out with the other Allen kids, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they have also started to think that this is all my fault too. Wally was just as much of an older brother to my brothers as he was to the Allen kids, so in a way, it’s like they lost their older brother.</p>
<p>They may even lose another one soon.</p>
<p>Babs has tried to talk to me about what happened, saying that if I talk about it, I might be able to start feeling better. I would always wave her off and tell her that I am fine, that I bounce back quicker than others do. With the amount of tragedies that I have seen in my life, that she knows about, I guess that she either just bought it or decided to give up on me.</p>
<p>She hasn’t brought it up again.</p>
<p>Doesn’t surprise me.</p>
<p>Everyone should just give up on me.</p>
<p>I know I have.</p>
<p>The Titans think that I am getting better every day, they think that I won’t let this get to me, that I am stronger than this.</p>
<p>It’s not true.</p>
<p>Donna and Garth both stayed for a few weeks after everything, but then they had to get back to their respective responsibilities.</p>
<p>Kara has called me almost every day after it first happened. I would keep up my façade of being okay and being a strong person whenever we would talk. I couldn’t dump all of my feelings on her, that wouldn’t be fair to her and what she is going through with all of this. Wally was also her best friend.</p>
<p>To think that my problems with everything that have happened are more important than her feelings. It’s selfish.</p>
<p>I’ve tried to fake it around Roy, but he knows me, better than the others. He knows how to read me and how to be able to look for the underlying meaning of anything that I say or do.</p>
<p>Just like Wally is… was able to.</p>
<p>It’s hard trying to lie to him. It’s just something that I was never proud of for doing, because he would always catch me in the act and confront me about it.</p>
<p>Right now, I’m sitting on my bed, looking down at my phone that is laying on my pillow.</p>
<p>I knew what I was going to do.</p>
<p>Surly this is what is best.</p>
<p>Everyone will be better off if I do this.</p>
<p>It’s not like anyone really cares.</p>
<p>Who would miss me?</p>
<p>Nobody.</p>
<p>I picked up the phone not really knowing what else to do, the only thing that I did know is that if I didn’t make this call that I would regret it.</p>
<p>The phone starts to ring, and my head starts to pound.</p>
<p>All of these pictures in my phone, all these photos that used to be on the wall, all of these memories in my head, they were going to be the end of me.</p>
<p>They were going to kill me.</p>
<p>How am I supposed to live in a world without him? How am I supposed to be able to move on with my life like he wanted me to?</p>
<p>The answer is… that I can’t.</p>
<p>I start to breath heavily and the ringing continued, but still no sound of someone picking up. It was getting to the point where I didn’t want him to pick up the phone, because I knew that if he did, he would try to talk me out of it.</p>
<p>And I know that’s not what I want.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Hey, it’s Roy, I can’t come to the phone right now so leave a message if you want."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beep.</em>
</p>
<p>“Hey, guess you’re busy. That’s okay, it might actually be better this way. You won’t be able to interrupt me.” I take a deep, but shaky breath before I continued. “I just… I can’t Roy. No-not without him. What am I…? How am I…? I just don’t want to man. Every day, it gets ha-harder and harder, I see him every-everywhere I go in this house. My mind keeps telling me things and… I am starting to believe it.” I didn’t even notice that I was sobbing into the phone at this point. “It’s my fault he’s gone, isn’t it Roy? It’s my fault. I’m the one that sh-should be dead and gone, not him.” I grab my head, because the pounding is becoming too much for me. “It hurts, my mind is destroying itself and I can’t stop it. Won’t stop it. I don’t want to stop it. I can’t go on feeling this way. I’m done feeling this way Roy.” I wipe my eyes, but it’s no use as the tears continue to fall. “I guess I just wanted to call to say I’m sorry and… goodbye.”</p>
<p>I hang up the phone after that and stay seated on the bed for another moment, looking at my phone. A part of me wants Roy to call me back and tell me that I am being dramatic and stupid, like he always does whenever I’m being “emo”. But then again, the other part of me hopes that I will already be dead by the time he hears that message.</p>
<p>I’ve thought it over, done the math. My antidepressant pills were in my bathroom in the medical cabinet, from that time that everything happened to Jason. All I had to do was go there and take those pills, probably the entire bottle if I could, and that would be it. All of these ghosts, these memories would finally leave me alone.</p>
<p>I would be free.</p>
<p>I get up off my bed and start to make my way to the bathroom, trying not to step on any of the broken glass from the melt down that I had in my room before I called Roy.</p>
<p>As I’m walking everything seems to slow down, this is probably what speedsters see and feel all the time, that everything is moving in a frame by frame action.</p>
<p>It is like my mind is trying to convince itself that this is all a dream and that the only way to wake up is to die in the dream, and when I wake up, I will be happy, everything would be okay.</p>
<p>He would be here with me.</p>
<p>In the back of my mind, I recognize that my phone has started to ring, but at this point, my mind has chosen to block out the sound. Chose to block out all sound, all of them minus the one that is my mind telling me that I was doing the right thing.</p>
<p>That I was doing everyone a favor.</p>
<p>That this is what needed to happen so that the people that I deemed closest to me would no longer get hurt because of me.</p>
<p>Because that is all that happened to people that were close to me.</p>
<p>They get hurt.</p>
<p>They die.</p>
<p>I open the door to the bathroom and turn on the lights. I make my way to the medial cabinet and open it to see the little orange pill bottle starring straight into my soul. Knowing what I am about to do.</p>
<p>I grab the bottle.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath.</p>
<p>Open the bottle…</p>
<p>Only for someone to grab my hands and start to fight me for possession over the bottle.</p>
<p>“NOOO! LET GO!” I screamed as I tried to get back my ticket to freedom.</p>
<p>The pills spill all over the floor.</p>
<p>I stand there for a second looking at all of the pill laying there on the floor, just like how I should be.</p>
<p>“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” I yell in the face of the person that stopped me. As I look and start to recognize who was there, I see that it was none other than Roy Harper-Queen himself.</p>
<p>Tears are streaming down my face and I am on the verge of collapsing from all of the adrenaline that was leaving my system.</p>
<p>Throughout all of this screaming and crying and my incessant repeating of “I want to die”, Roy just holds me, whispering in my ear that everything was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay. That he would not leave me.</p>
<p>
  <em>Lies.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>LIES!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>EVERYBODY I LOVE LEAVES ME!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Nobody… stays forever.</em>
</p>
<p>My legs can’t handle my weight any longer and I go down. Roy comes down with me, keeping a firm hold on both of my hands so that I wouldn’t be able to try and grab any of the pills that lay wasted on the tile floor.</p>
<p>My lungs hurt at this point; it’s getting hard to get air in them form all the hyperventilating that I have been doing.</p>
<p>I hear the muffled sounds of talking, but don’t bother looking as to who it could be. I don’t think that I would even be able to tell, too many tears in my eyes.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how much time has passed when I feel a poke on my arm, and everything suddenly starts to go black.</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>I am one of the few people on this planet that knows whenever Dick is full of shit. I know when he tries to lie to me, to cover up how he’s feeling. Him pretending to be strong, to be getting better.</p>
<p>I think he even knows that lying to me is next to impossible, but he still tries at times.</p>
<p>Right now, I am on my way to the manor, Dick doesn’t know that I am on my way. I just know that he could use some time away from that place. I know for a fact that he must be drowning in memories there. And that cannot be healthy.</p>
<p>I hear my phone ring and in any other circumstance I would have picked it up, but as I was going to do that, I see that I cop car is behind me. Probably not the best idea to get pulled over right now. What would I tell them? “Yes, hello, I am the adopted son of a billionaire going to go visit my friend who is also an adopted son of another billionaire. So please excuse me for I am privileged.” Yeah, no, that is the last thing that I would be caught doing.</p>
<p>The ringing stops and a few minutes later I notice that I got a voicemail.</p>
<p>I look in my rearview mirror and see that the car is gone, so I grab my phone and see that it was Dick that called me. I contemplate for a second if I should listen to the voicemail since I am so close to his house, but this strange feeling comes over me telling me that I have to listen to the voicemail, or else I would regret it.</p>
<p>I press play and put it on speaker in my cupholder.</p>
<p><em>“Hey, guess you’re busy. That’s okay, it might actually be better this way. You won’t be able to interrupt me.”</em> I was getting a really bad feeling by the way that his voice is sounding. Broken almost.</p>
<p><em>“I just… I can’t Roy. No-not without him. What am I…? How am I…? I just don’t want to man. Every day, it gets ha-harder and harder, I see him every-everywhere I go in this house. My mind keeps telling me things and… I am starting to believe it.”</em> I don’t know when it happened, but I started to speed up, not giving a fuck as to who saw me.</p>
<p><em>“It’s my fault he’s gone, isn’t it Roy?”</em> My knuckles turn white from how tight I am holding the steering wheel when I heard that. I don’t know why he was thinking that, but it’s not true!</p>
<p><em>“It’s my fault. I’m the one that sh-should be dead and gone, not him. It hurts, my mind is destroying itself and I can’t stop it. Won’t stop it. I don’t want to stop it. I can’t go on feeling this way. I’m done feeling this way Roy.”</em> I have been on the job with Ollie long enough to have seen my fair share of suicidal people, I know one when I hear one talking.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I guess I just wanted to call to say I’m sorry and… goodbye.”</em>
</p>
<p>“No damnit!” I’m get to Wayne manor at this point pulling up to the front door. I barely have time to get the keys out of the engine as I am making my way out of my truck. I am prepared to kick the front door down, when I finally notice Jason standing in front of my truck. Apparently, I almost hit him as I came to a stop.</p>
<p>“What the fuck is your problem?!”</p>
<p>“There is no fucking time for this! Open the goddamn door!” I’ll feel bad later for yelling at Jason, but right now I couldn’t give two shits.</p>
<p>I start to pull out my phone and calling Dick’s number, praying to every god that I can think of that he will pick up.</p>
<p>Jason is shocked for maybe half a second, but then unlocks the door.</p>
<p>I don’t even wait till its fully open as I make my way into the house.</p>
<p>“Dick?! Dick?! Where the fuck are you?!”</p>
<p>“He’s probably in his room dumbass, now stop yelling!”</p>
<p>I don’t have time to try to explain to Jason what I heard on the phone; I have to get to Dick before it’s too late.</p>
<p>I bolt it up the stairs and down the hall to where I know his old room here is.</p>
<p>I open his door and look around the room to see broken picture frames on the floor and glass littered everywhere. The room is a mess.</p>
<p>I look up towards the bathroom and see him…</p>
<p>With an orange pill bottle in his hand.</p>
<p>Oh Hell no.</p>
<p>As fast as I am able to, I grab him and start to fight him for the bottle.</p>
<p>“NOOO! LET GO!”</p>
<p>I can hear footsteps running up the stairs, probably Jason’s. He must have heard all the yelling.</p>
<p>The pills all spill to the floor just as Jason makes his way to Dick’s room.</p>
<p>“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Dick yells into my face.</p>
<p>It is only when he looks at me in my eyes that I can see him clearly, dried tear stains on his cheeks overshadowed by the fresh tears that are rolling down his face. Bruises under his eyes, I start to wonder how long he has gone without sleep.</p>
<p>I hold him close as he starts to cry harder saying that he just wants to die. His legs start to shake and then suddenly we are both on the ground, during all of this I keep a tight grip on his hands. I don’t know if it crossed his mind or not to try and grab the pills that are on the floor, but I would make damn sure that he doesn’t get that chance, so I make sure to have a firm grip on both of them.</p>
<p>I turn to Jason who is shocked still by the door frame of the bathroom, he looks like he is about to cry. I would too if I saw my brother in a state like this, hopeless. Hell, after we get this situation under control, I might just break down myself, but I can’t do that right now, I don’t have the luxury for that right now.</p>
<p>“Jason, look at me.” It takes him a second to tear his eyes away from Dick and look at me. “Go get a sedative, one strong enough to be able to knock him out for a few hours. Now!”</p>
<p>He doesn’t need to be told twice, he runs out of the room to go and get what I asked of him.</p>
<p>Dick starts to hyperventilate, like he is on the verge of a panic attack or something like one. Before it is able to get worse, Jason comes back with a syringe full of a sedative.</p>
<p>I put the needle to Dick’s arm and administer it to him. It must be something strong because not even a minute passes before he is out cold in my arms.</p>
<p>I look to Jason, and he looks back at me, and we are both thinking the same thing.</p>
<p>What the fuck are we going to do now?</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Seeing my brother passed out on the floor like that after having to sedate him, was the last thing that I expected to see in my life.</p>
<p>Yes, okay, I’ll admit, I was ignoring him, because it got to the point that I didn’t know what to say to him anymore. I thought that maybe just not saying anything that could possibly hurt him more was the best course of action.</p>
<p>Obviously, it wasn’t.</p>
<p>But I didn’t think…</p>
<p>I never thought…</p>
<p>How did it get so bad for him?</p>
<p>I know that from things that I’ve heard, when I was hurt and, in the hospital, that he got depressed and had to start taking some antidepressants. That he blamed himself for what happened to me, even though it was not him fault in the slightest.</p>
<p>I didn’t think that this would affect him like this.</p>
<p>But when I think about it some more, it was always Wally that would save him from crossing that line in his mind. He was the reason that we haven’t really had to deal with Dick being depressed, because he made sure to take care of him.</p>
<p>I knew that Wally was someone that was very special for Dickie, and that losing him would be devastating for him. I mean, it sucked to lose him, he was like a second big brother to us Bat kids, but I never really stopped to consider just how deep Dick’s feelings went.</p>
<p>They were engaged, and to make that kind of commitment, you have to love the other person. Love them enough to spend the rest of your lives with said person.</p>
<p>And I knew that they had a love that was very deep.</p>
<p>I guess I never stopped to think about just how deep that love went, and how it would affect one of them if they lost that love.</p>
<p>How did I not see how much he was hurting?</p>
<p>I would go over to the Allen household and spend my time comforting Eliza, reassuring her, telling her that everything was going to be okay.</p>
<p>Why did I not do that with Dick too?</p>
<p>Has he been suffering in silence all this time while the rest of us just decided that we were to emotionally constipated to be able to help him?</p>
<p>Family is supposed to be able to help you in your hardest times, not leave you to suffer by yourself.</p>
<p>That is all kinds of fucked up.</p>
<p>What did we do to you Dick?</p>
<p>What did I do to you Dickie?</p>
<p>“…son! Jason!” I turn and see that Roy is looking at me with a worried expression on his face. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>I swallow, making sure that my throat isn’t dry before I respond. “…Yeah.” Still came out weak.</p>
<p>“We have to take him to the Batcave to be able to monitor him better.” I nod along with everything that he is saying, not feeling confident enough to use my voice again.</p>
<p>Roy picks up my big brother and carries him all the way downstairs and to the Batcave.</p>
<p>I silently follow him. Not knowing what else to do.</p>
<p>When we get there, Roy sets up an IV and a heart monitor machine in order to be able to track Dickie’s vitals.</p>
<p>I just stand there not doing anything, because what am I supposed to do? My brother almost died, and I would not have known.</p>
<p>After he gets everything set up, he turns to me and hugs me. Really that was the last thing that I expected, especially from Roy, but I found myself not rejecting the hug, I’m grateful for it actually.</p>
<p>It’s warm, and comfortable.</p>
<p>I find myself not wanting to let go.</p>
<p>If it wasn’t for Roy, getting here when he did, knowing what was happening upstairs in my brother’s room, I, we could have lost him today.</p>
<p>I know that no one is home around this time, and when I got home, I knew that I was in no mood to have to deal with anything. I wasn’t going to bother to go upstairs until maybe when dinner was ready, just to go and drop my books off in my room. My brother could have died upstairs, and I would have been none the wiser.</p>
<p>I could have let my brother die.</p>
<p>Oh God.</p>
<p>I’m gonna throw up.</p>
<p>“Jay. Jason, listen to me, none of this is your fault, okay? How could you have possibly of known that any of this was going to happen?” Oh, was I talking out loud this entire time? Guess I was with what Roy told me just now.</p>
<p>“What do we do now Roy?” I asked in a weak and broken voice.</p>
<p>He let out a breath that he might have been holding, but I’m not actually completely sure. “We call the League.”</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>I’ve been in this business for a very long time. Since I have been, sometimes I get feelings, like something bad is going to or has happened.</p>
<p>I try to never take these feelings lightly, because it has saved me and my family countless times.</p>
<p>Currently I am in attendance at a League meeting. We try to have these every once and a while, when everyone in the League is able to show up. We also try to make sure that these meeting are not to be interrupted, unless it is a life or death situation.</p>
<p>I was not expecting for that protocol to become operational.</p>
<p>We got an incoming call from the Batcave, which was already a red flag in my book, the only person that was home at this moment was Dick, maybe Jason if his class got let out early. They both know the protocol that is in place for these meetings, so why would they be calling?</p>
<p>Before I picked up, the feelings returned.</p>
<p>Bad feelings.</p>
<p>“Are you going to answer the call Batman?” I look to my side and see Clark giving me a questioning gaze and then see that I was stuck thinking that I did not answer the call.</p>
<p>I answer it, and the last thing that I expected to see was Roy Harper-Queen.</p>
<p>“Roy? Why the hell are you calling from the Batcave?” Oliver asked, just as confused as the rest of us. The bad feeling was only getting worse.</p>
<p>“Shut the hell up for one moment and let me talk.” That got everyone’s attention, especially mine. “I don’t actually think that I am allowed to disclose this information to the entire League, so I’m gonna have to ask for everyone that is not, Batman, Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Flash to leave. I’m sorry, but this is urgent.”</p>
<p>I was not liking this at all and knew that I had to find out what was going on that had Roy in such a state.</p>
<p>Luckily, no one asked any questions and followed his demands.</p>
<p>When it was only the ones that he asked to be in the room here, he made two other screens pop up. One had Selina on it, she was currently at Wayne Enterprises, but there were protocols in place in the office to make sure that no one could listen in.</p>
<p>The other screen was Iris, who seemed to be currently at home, with all the blinds shut. The feeling was getting unbearable at this point, but I am not one to show weakness easily.</p>
<p>“Iris? Why is she on this call?”</p>
<p>“Because she is just as much a part of this as everyone one else on this call is.” Barry kept his mouth shut after that.</p>
<p>“Roy, tell us sweetheart, what happened?” Leave it to Dinah to try to get Roy to calm down and just tell us what is going on.</p>
<p>“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to say it. Dick tried to kill himself about thirty minutes ago.”</p>
<p>There it was. The feeling. It was Dick. My oldest. He tried to…</p>
<p>I look around at everyone. Oliver and Dinah looked shocked. Barry is speechless. Iris looks like she is on the verge of tears. Then Selina, she was trying to put on a brave face in front of everyone here, but I knew better, I could read her. She was heartbroken.</p>
<p>“Explain.”</p>
<p>“I was going over to the manor to try and get Dick out of the house. He hasn’t been out much since… you know.” That is true, Dick has been refusing to go out, as Nightwing or otherwise. “I get a call on my phone as I’m driving and I was going to pick it up, but then I look and see that I am being followed by a cop, so I don’t. A few minutes later I see that I got a voicemail from said call and see that it was Dick. I look and see that the cop isn’t there anymore, so I play it.”</p>
<p>“Show us the voicemail.”</p>
<p>“I knew that you would ask that, but let me warn you, it’s intense.”</p>
<p>What he plays, I was not prepared for.</p>
<p><em>“Hey, guess you’re busy. That’s okay, it might actually be better this way. You won’t be able to interrupt me.”</em> That was definitely Dick’s voice, but there was something off about it.</p>
<p><em>“I just… I can’t Roy. No-not without him. What am I…? How am I…? I just don’t want to man. Every day, it gets ha-harder and harder, I see him every-everywhere I go in this house. My mind keeps telling me things and… I am starting to believe it.”</em> I know that I haven’t been there for him as much as I would have liked to this past month, but I just didn’t know what to say to him.</p>
<p><em>“It’s my fault he’s gone, isn’t it Roy?”</em> I turn and see that both Barry and Iris and about at their breaking point with that revelation. I know that they haven’t contacted Dick during this month, there family was taking their time to grieve, and I understood that, better than most.</p>
<p><em>“It’s my fault. I’m the one that sh-should be dead and gone, not him.”</em> I start to shake my head and see that Selina is not handling any of this well either.</p>
<p><em>“It hurts, my mind is destroying itself and I can’t stop it. Won’t stop it. I don’t want to stop it. I can’t go on feeling this way. I’m done feeling this way Roy.”</em> The crying was unbearable to hear, this was my child, crying his eyes out to his friend.</p>
<p><em>“I guess I just wanted to call to say I’m sorry and… goodbye.”</em> That line made me go pale, he was really going to do it. He had planned to end it all when there was no one in the house to be able to stop him. He called Roy not thinking that he was on the way to the manor.</p>
<p>“Right when the messaged stopped playing I was at the manor; I got to the front and almost kill Jason in the process.”</p>
<p>“What?” I narrowed my eyes at him.</p>
<p>“In my franticness to get to Dick, I did not see Jay walking in front of my truck and almost squished him. Don’t worry he already cussed me out for it. Anyway, he opened the door for me, and I started to frantically call out to Dick. Jay ended up telling me that he was probably in his room, cause apparently that is the only place that he is now a days.”</p>
<p>I have tried to get him out of the house, and Selina has tried to talk to him, but every time, she tells me that he says that he is fine and will get past this.</p>
<p>Why did I not try to do more?</p>
<p>“I bolt it up to his room and see broken glass all over the floor and the room was destroyed. It looked as if he had a mental breakdown in there, before he called me.”</p>
<p>Dick has been quite this past month, but only slightly more than usual, not showing any signs of being at a breaking point. He still talked to his friends when they called, though he did not make an effort to go out to see them.</p>
<p>How did I not see that as a red flag?</p>
<p>“I saw him with a pill bottle in his hand and I just reacted, fighting him for it. He yelled at me and then the pills spill all over the floor. He started to break down and all I could do was make sure that he did not try to get any of those pills. Jason then came into the room and I told him to go and get a sedative to give to Dick. After the sedative did its job, we brought him down to the Batcave, where we called you guys.”</p>
<p>“Wait.” Selina spoke up. “So, Jason is with you right now?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, like I said he was the one that let me into the manor.”</p>
<p>“Can you put him on?”</p>
<p>“…sure.” We waited for a moment as we heard talking in the background, not actually being able to understand what was being said.</p>
<p>Jason then appeared on screen and he did not look good. He had tear stains going down his cheeks and his eyes were bloodshot. The last time that I saw him like this was when he was in the hospital.</p>
<p>“Mom, Dad, can you guys come home?”</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>I slowly started to gain consciousness because of an annoying beeping next to me. It sounded like an alarm, like the one that would go off when I was a kid and had to get ready for school. I wanted it off.</p>
<p>I tried to open my eyes but found that it was difficult to do that task.</p>
<p>I let out a groan and then immediately feel a hand tense. Has someone been holding my hand this entire time? Where am I? How long have I been out? Who’s next to me?</p>
<p>I start to stir some more and hear a faint sound, like someone is saying my name.</p>
<p>My eyes start to cooperate and open a bit. My vision is, at first, assaulted by a bright white light, but then after a bit of blinking my eyes adjust and its only blurry, but as it starts to clear up. I see that the person that was next to me was Roy and next to him was Jason.</p>
<p>“Hey…” I get out, before a coughing fit began.</p>
<p>Jay got up and went to get me some water to drink. How long was I out to have my throat hurt this much?</p>
<p>I don’t remember what happened.</p>
<p>Where am I?</p>
<p>Jay came back with the water and I started to drink it greedily, but Roy ended up telling me to slow down or I was gonna choke, stubbornly I listened to him.</p>
<p>After a few seconds, I look around and see that we are in the Batcave, but that is not where my attention goes. No, my attention is drawn to all of the other people that are in the room.</p>
<p>Besides Jay and Roy; Mom and Dad, Oliver and Dinah, and Barry and Iris are all here.</p>
<p>Why?</p>
<p>“Umm… what’s going on? What ah, what happened?”</p>
<p>It was silent for a bit, but then Roy came closer to my bed side and sat down at the foot of the bed. “Dick. Do you-do you remember anything that happened?”</p>
<p>I sat there for a moment, trying to recall anything that could have happened today that put he here.</p>
<p>I remember being home alone. I wasn’t on any mission or anything like that. Haven’t been for a while now.</p>
<p>I remember feeling like I was being… plagued. But plagued by what?</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Memories. It was memor-</p>
<p>My head then starts to pound, and I bring my hands up to my ears in an attempt to make everything stop, but of course that doesn’t work.</p>
<p>I can tell that people are freaking out around me by how I am acting, but that is that last of my concerns at the moment.</p>
<p>Everything comes flooding back, everything that happened.</p>
<p>I need to get this to stop.</p>
<p>I see everything that had transpired, the melt down, the call, the voicemail, the wanting to…</p>
<p>To…</p>
<p>To ki-…</p>
<p>I slowly move my hands from my head, no one is moving, I guess that they are afraid of my reaction to any sudden movements.</p>
<p>My mouth is slightly agape, and tears are pooling in my eyes.</p>
<p>I tried to do something unspeakable.</p>
<p>I tried to…</p>
<p>I tried…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>The voicemail.</p>
<p>Oh my God.</p>
<p>What did I just put Roy through?</p>
<p>What did I put Jason through?</p>
<p>What did I…?</p>
<p>What did…?</p>
<p>What did I do?</p>
<p>I turn my head slowly to Roy and say the only thing that I can at the moment.</p>
<p>“I-I-I’m s-sorry.”</p>
<p>I see him shake his head and bring me into a hug. “You, Dickie, have nothing to be sorry about. You hear me? Nothing. Okay? We are the ones that dismissed what you were feeling, not thinking how badly you could react to everything that happened.”</p>
<p>“If anything, I’m the ones that should apologize for not paying more attention to you. For thinking that if I ignored everything that you were feeling, you would get better on your own.” I saw tears forming in Jay’s eyes. “I’m sorry for being a terrible brother.”</p>
<p>I shook my head and then reached out to Jay. After a bit of hesitation, he fell into my arms. “Not, your fault.” I said as I stroked his hair.</p>
<p>“Hey… Dick?”</p>
<p>I look up from Jay and see that Barry, for the first time in a month, was talking to me.</p>
<p>“Barry… Iris… I’m s-sorry.”</p>
<p>“Oh Dick, you don’t have to apologize for anything to anyone. We have to apologize for not thinking about coming to talk to you sooner.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Maybe if Iris and I had come over sooner to see how you have been doing, then maybe all of this could have been prevented.”</p>
<p>“Kid. You need to realize that there are people here that care about you and want you to be okay. Why do you think that Roy got to the manor as fast as he did? He was already on his way here because he was worried about you. Sure, you gave him a heart attack from the call that you gave him, but he cares kid.” Ollie let me know.</p>
<p>“I think that it would be best if we started to have sessions Dick. I know that this might be too soon for you to start thinking about it, and you can have all the time that you want to consider it, but I think that you would benefit from talking to someone.” Dinah might seem like she is acting tough, but I know that she cares, a lot, just like my own parents.</p>
<p>I turn to look at both my Mom and Dad. Dad isn’t wearing his cowl and Mom looks like she came here straight from the office, which makes me feel bad for dragging them away from their work.</p>
<p>“You did not drag us away from anything.”</p>
<p>I swear Dad is a mind reader with how well he knows what I am thinking… most of the time.</p>
<p>“Dick, Kitten, listen to us when we say that we love you, very much, and that we are sorry for not being there for you more.”</p>
<p>We all talked for a while longer. All of them letting me know that they are going to try and be there more for me. It is a nice sentiment, but I know that things will never be the same again.</p>
<p>Everyone is going to view me as the guy that tried to end all of his problems by attempting to do something stupid.</p>
<p>Roy and Jay are going to be just as scarred as me about the events that transpired here today.</p>
<p>Everyone else is going to probably look at me with pity in their eyes for a long time to come, if not forever.</p>
<p>One thing that I make them all promise me though, is that what happened today, everything, all of it, is to not leave this room. That they cannot tell anyone about what happened, about what I almost did.</p>
<p>Not Donna.</p>
<p>Not Garth.</p>
<p>Not Kara.</p>
<p>Not Tim.</p>
<p>Not Damian.</p>
<p>No one.</p>
<p>Because the last thing that I want is for more people to feel guilty. I don’t want people to think of me as weak.</p>
<p>They all let me know that no one would ever think about me in that way.</p>
<p>And I let them know that I am not willing to take the chance.</p>
<p>One thing is for sure though, I have to try and get better.</p>
<p>I want to get better.</p>
<p>It is going to take time, and I’m sure that this is not going to be the only hard time that I have.</p>
<p>But I need to make the effort. For my family. For my friends… For me.</p>
<p>I have to make the effort for me.</p>
<p>I have to try to get better for me.</p>
<p>I know that Wally would have been pissed at me for the events that came to pass today. I’m right there with him in being mad at myself.</p>
<p>I just have to try and remember Wally as my best friend. My partner in crime. My love.</p>
<p>This is something that may take a while.</p>
<p>I’m up for the challenge.</p>
<p>One step at a time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for all the support! Every time that I see that I get a Kudos or a bookmark on a story it motivates me to write more for this series.</p>
<p>I love this series and hope to keep on giving everyone many more parts. </p>
<p>Earth 25 and the characters that I have established have all been something that has taken so long to do, like years of brainstorming, editing and then editing again. Making sure that I write the characters in the way that I want readers to view them.</p>
<p>This part of the series was one of the parts that I decided to take my time in writing, usually it doesn't take me too long to provide a story for you guys, but this one... this one I felt that I had to take my time to get right. </p>
<p>I truly hope y'all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.</p>
<p>Please leave a honest review, tell me what you thought and where I can improve, and leave a Kudos if you want to. AND if you enjoy this part make sure to bookmark or follow this series to be notified when knew parts are added.</p>
<p>Until next time lovelies!!! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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